I am learning..

This holiday season has left me with one giant realization. With all of the pain, the medication, etc, I HAVE to ask for help. I am used to being a very independent woman, doing whatever I can to help out, or whatever needs done. This year, though, things are quite different. I am required to ask for help with a lot of things. You see, I'm on weight restrictions. I am not allowed to lift over 5lbs. This basically means ANYTHING I need to lift, I have to ask for help. Heck, even our crock pot weights more than that to get down and put up! This has been a difficult transition for me. Like I said, I'm a very independent woman when it comes to being able to do things myself. I am not used to asking for help, I am not used to having to sit down to help out in the kitchen because I can not stand, I am not used to not being able to help with clean up after dinner, even just doing the dishes is quite a chore now a days.

On a happier note, Christmas was a huge success, and C, my middle daughter, has been painting up a storm with her new art kit water colors. (After the mess she made all over my kitchen with these by "splatter painting", I am soooo not ready for actual good paints!) According to her last night, they are 50cents or $1 each, but luckily for me, she made me 2 coupons for 2 free paintings. I love this kid. She said the money is so she can buy pencils at the school book store. They are actually quite good too! She is very creative, it's the only good quality my kids inherited from me! C and L are both very good at drawing, painting, etc. I am so happy they got my affinity for it, and not their fathers! He can't even draw a stick figure well!

This picture reminds me, the other day, we were at Gamestop buying some last minute Christmas stuff. The store we went to happens to be the one I used to work at as well, meaning I know just about everyone that works there, minus the seasonal hires. One of my favorite girls was working this night. We went to check out, and she proceeded to ask me if I was "expecting again". This has been something I get asked on a normal basis, but not recently. You see, I lost 23lbs within the last few months, and had not been asked again since before I had lost the weight. I was always a skinny person, weighing 100lbs even when I had my oldest daughter, and about 115lbs when I had my son 8 years ago. Now, up until about 3 years ago, I stayed this skinny. Then I balooned up to 185lbs. (I am 5'4", I'm not exactly tall.) I am now down to 162lbs, and trying to finish loosing about another 30lbs to get back to my "normal for your size" weight. I don't want to look anorexic, but I'd like to be a healthy size again. I was so happy when I found out I had lost that much weight! I figured I had lost about 10lbs, I mean, I knew my jeans were a little bit looser, and my shirts were baggier, but I did not realize it was a whole 23lbs! I was extatic...until the other night. That knocked me into a massive depression that night. I was up until 5am that night just depressed to the point that when my dog went to his kennel to go to bed, in my head, it was because I was too fat and ugly for even my dog to want to be near me. It's amazing how that sort of stuff can spiral like that. It just amazes me how depression can alter the mind. When it gets to that point, it is very hard to snap out of it, to bring yourself  back up out of the black hole, and a lot of times, sleep is the only help for me, and when I get depressed, that is nearly impossible. I am on medication for it, but sometimes, just sometimes, it still spirals, that blackness still envelopes me, but that is a post for another day...